9 Things That Really Happen at a Bachelor Party
Don't worry. You (probably) have nothing to worry about.
Few words strike more fear into the hearts of girlfriends/fiancées/wives everywhere than: "I have a bachelor party to go to this weekend." But you (probably) have nothing to worry about. As much as "bachelor party" conjures up images of coked-out dudebros rampaging through a high-end strip club (or worse, literally anything that happened in The Hangover, Part II), most bachelor parties are pretty tame affairs.
Here's what actually happens at bachelor parties:
1. No one ever brings enough beer. Unless the bachelor party is at a bar, there will not be enough alcohol. Ever. Whether it's held at a beach house or a log cabin or in a tent, someone, at some point, will have to go on a beer run. It's not fun. Maybe there are multiple beer runs. There is nothing exciting about them.
2. Everyone gets really, really drunk. This is pretty much a given, and this is effectively what the rest of the bachelor party revolves around. No matter what activities may be planned, "drinking" is incorporated.
3. Someone gets really, really, really drunk. There's always someone who gets too drunk and throws up/goes to bed early/lights something on fire.
4. Someone suggests going to a strip club and everyone is all, "nah." Contrary to popular belief, a lot of the time, a strip club is not the focus of a bachelor party. They can be pretty skeevy, and not every groom needs to be reminded that being single is sometimes scary and depressing.
5. Maybe ... maybe ... people actually go to a strip club and everyone is just really sad. Yes, men like naked ladies. But unless you live in a major city, strip clubs are the saddest places on earth, like a nega-universe Disney World. If you disagree with me, it is because you are wrong and sad. Even the "good" strip clubs have an air of quiet desperation to them. Most guys do not enjoy paying women lots of money to pretend to pay attention to them.
6. Except for that one guy who gets so amped off the strip club it's like Superman getting rejuvenated by our yellow sun. There's always one dude who knows all the strip club etiquette and has somehow managed to rack up 19 lap dances while everyone else is still punching their PIN into the ATM. He's laughing maniacally as his life basically peaks. He will go home and cry. Don't worry, this person is (probably) not your S.O.
7. Everyone is feeding the groom shots. It's everyone's job to make sure this happens. He's also supposed to have fun. The two aren't necessarily positively correlated.
8. Someone makes a shitty joke about how "marriage is like prison." Someone else, a much better man than the guy who made that joke, throws an empty beer can at his face.
9. Lots of meat will be consumed. That's not a euphemism! Steaks, hot dogs, hamburgers, bacon, etc. If it's a guys' weekend, they are eating meat. Unless the groom is a vegetarian, in which case I am confident in saying the bachelor party sucked.
Monday, June 1, 2015
